Sunday, April 22, 2012

Unholy Matrimony

The following rite of Unholy Matrimony comes from the Book of Uncommon Prayer in accordance with The Civil Marriage Act of Canada 2005.

Celebrant: We are here to legalise the union, the enchainment of two persons. Persons who for either convenience or inconvenience have taken the extraordinarily extreme decision to marry.
The partnership of all matters domestic and business. Indeed, marriage is a serious business. The very fact we are performing unholy matrimony next to the cemetery reveals just how grave marriage is.
Marriage is the spoken and written word. Marriage is the compact of words which attempt to form a coherent order of thought in the manifestation of sentences. Undo the sentence then marriage becomes undone.
Caution! Marriage is a sentence of life without parole. That's why one must speak à la parle to legalise marriage. The written and spoken word form the perfect marriage.
However, grammar dictates two choices: the singular and the plural. One can serve a sentence of life in the singular or in the plural. Marriage is an individual who seeks to serve a sentence of life in the plural. If they are heterosexual and reproduce children, they then become a plurality. Homosexuals who live in the plural of marriage can never obtain a plurality.

We are here to join Dumdum and Fool is sacrilegious matrimony. Now think very carefully. Take as much time as you want to answer. There are no time limits until you answer in the affirmative or negative. I will ask the most simple question to a most complicated matter. Mind the consequences! Your life depends upon your answer.

Do you Dumdum take Fool here as your lawfully married partner to exploit, manipulate and maybe to love til the day one of you expires?

Dumdum: I do.

Celebrant: Do you Fool take Dumdum as your lawfully married partner to cheat, deceive and maybe respect until the day one of you expires?

Fool: I do.

Celebrant: By the power invested by me into ST. CUM, I pronounce you married.

-Der Kosmonaut

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